facebook chat... it hurts me.
not in the way you would think though.
i dont have random people cussing me out,
i dont have girls spreading rumors about me,
no thats not my problem...
my problem is him...
the one boy i want and cant have,
the way i see his cute picture,
dangling in front of my face hopelessly untouchable;
the way his font dances inches away from my eyes,
his words as soft spoken and sweet as they are in person,
"hehe good night and sweet dreams thanks for the advice";
he replys as i break down...
why do i torture myself with my best friend,
the boy i cant have?
why does it hurt so much?
a girl never knows till the problems done...
Friday, December 17, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"What do you want to do before you die?"
Life is short, it’s sad, but true. We aren’t here for long, so we make the best of it
and live each day to the fullest without regrets, right? Wrong. That’s what you’d think wouldn’t you? People get so caught up in their day to day lives , they cease to live. They become mere zombies going from work to home and back again, in an endless cycle. Sometimes it takes a death in the family, or a close call, to wake us up to what’s really important in life, but even after that first tragedy (or almost tragedy) we begin to forget again, and fall back in cycle, never to escape. We all need to break free of the normalness in our lives, and that’s why we all need constant reminders of what it is to really live. there are three surefire ways to keep out the rut in daily life: a bucket list, the show The buried life, and the constant question of “What do you want to do before you die?” Being to scared to do anything different is what really kills all of us, if you live with out regrets and do everything you want to do in life, then you never really die. People never forget you and pieces of you live on in there actions, and a new cycle begins.
When I first made my bucket list I had lost my uncle. The sense of mortality hit me like a train and I knew that if I kept living my life like that then I would never be fulfilled, I wouldn’t be happy with what I had done or what I was doing. So I made a list of things that I wanted to before I died and vowed that I wouldn’t rest until I had done all of them, they range from 37.) Swim in the ocean to 63.) Get married in Las Vegas by a preacher that looks like Elvis, in other words some things are very small while others are HUGE. This list keeps me on my toes though, whenever I see an opportunity to cross of a list item I seize the moment and do it, no matter what the consequences are! It makes me enjoy my life and love living it too.
Last year when I turned on MTV and saw a show with four young very cute guys, I put the remote down so I could have some eye candy, but when I listened to what this show was about I was close to tears. They to were tired of the direction their life was taking them, so they made a list of 100 things they wanted to do before they died and set of to do them all, on camera! To this day my DVR is full of them and whenever I turn the show on I feel inspired in my very core, and part of me wakes up inside. The thing that makes me cry is when these four guys (Johnnie, Duncan, Dave, and Ben) in every episode of their show, whenever they do something on their list, they help a stranger do something on theirs. That for me is ultimate compassion. It makes me think that there are still good people out there in world. Good people who can uproot themselves from this endless circle that is our lives and change the world.
When I first was asked “What do you want to do before you die?” I was speechless. I had never thought of it before and it took me a second before I thought “I want to do a lot of things. What do I want to do most though?” I answered with my biggest goal in life. “I want to change the world!” I’ve found that that question is the best tool to judge someone’s character. When they answer me and are able to look me in the eye and tell me a goal or an achievement, and there eyes mist over with want and need to do something great, that is when I know I’ve met a kindred spirit, someone who will understand when I tell them my goals on my bucket list. When I ask that question and it shocks or confuses them into speechlessness then I know I have introduced a completely foreign concept to them and I may have changed their lives simply by suggesting it. Every day I think “What do I want to do before the day is done?” That in itself helps me realize how amazing life is and what a privilege it is to live.
Before you die what do you want to do? Ask yourself everyday “Do I want to stay in this rut, or get out and take a different road?” Encourage others to do the same because you never appreciate what you have till it’s too late. So live, for all who cannot and don’t have a single regret when you’re an old person on your deathbed, be able to look up and smile at your nurse and say “I really lived, but what do you want to do before you die?”
and live each day to the fullest without regrets, right? Wrong. That’s what you’d think wouldn’t you? People get so caught up in their day to day lives , they cease to live. They become mere zombies going from work to home and back again, in an endless cycle. Sometimes it takes a death in the family, or a close call, to wake us up to what’s really important in life, but even after that first tragedy (or almost tragedy) we begin to forget again, and fall back in cycle, never to escape. We all need to break free of the normalness in our lives, and that’s why we all need constant reminders of what it is to really live. there are three surefire ways to keep out the rut in daily life: a bucket list, the show The buried life, and the constant question of “What do you want to do before you die?” Being to scared to do anything different is what really kills all of us, if you live with out regrets and do everything you want to do in life, then you never really die. People never forget you and pieces of you live on in there actions, and a new cycle begins.
When I first made my bucket list I had lost my uncle. The sense of mortality hit me like a train and I knew that if I kept living my life like that then I would never be fulfilled, I wouldn’t be happy with what I had done or what I was doing. So I made a list of things that I wanted to before I died and vowed that I wouldn’t rest until I had done all of them, they range from 37.) Swim in the ocean to 63.) Get married in Las Vegas by a preacher that looks like Elvis, in other words some things are very small while others are HUGE. This list keeps me on my toes though, whenever I see an opportunity to cross of a list item I seize the moment and do it, no matter what the consequences are! It makes me enjoy my life and love living it too.
Last year when I turned on MTV and saw a show with four young very cute guys, I put the remote down so I could have some eye candy, but when I listened to what this show was about I was close to tears. They to were tired of the direction their life was taking them, so they made a list of 100 things they wanted to do before they died and set of to do them all, on camera! To this day my DVR is full of them and whenever I turn the show on I feel inspired in my very core, and part of me wakes up inside. The thing that makes me cry is when these four guys (Johnnie, Duncan, Dave, and Ben) in every episode of their show, whenever they do something on their list, they help a stranger do something on theirs. That for me is ultimate compassion. It makes me think that there are still good people out there in world. Good people who can uproot themselves from this endless circle that is our lives and change the world.
When I first was asked “What do you want to do before you die?” I was speechless. I had never thought of it before and it took me a second before I thought “I want to do a lot of things. What do I want to do most though?” I answered with my biggest goal in life. “I want to change the world!” I’ve found that that question is the best tool to judge someone’s character. When they answer me and are able to look me in the eye and tell me a goal or an achievement, and there eyes mist over with want and need to do something great, that is when I know I’ve met a kindred spirit, someone who will understand when I tell them my goals on my bucket list. When I ask that question and it shocks or confuses them into speechlessness then I know I have introduced a completely foreign concept to them and I may have changed their lives simply by suggesting it. Every day I think “What do I want to do before the day is done?” That in itself helps me realize how amazing life is and what a privilege it is to live.
Before you die what do you want to do? Ask yourself everyday “Do I want to stay in this rut, or get out and take a different road?” Encourage others to do the same because you never appreciate what you have till it’s too late. So live, for all who cannot and don’t have a single regret when you’re an old person on your deathbed, be able to look up and smile at your nurse and say “I really lived, but what do you want to do before you die?”
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Her
I slump with my lunch buddies in the hole in the wall spot where we eat lunch, being nudged aside and out of the conversation that jake and i had started. i gaze at my other friends as there eyes echo the same look i have just given them. our small lunch circle of close knit friends has just been broken into by one of many of jacobs admirers... julia. clueless as boys can be he doesnt notice that with every small touch she gives him gleams as a victory in her eyes. shes pretty, bubbly and hopelessly fake. suddenly the fun lunches have turned to torture... i want to leave but i promised jakes GIRLFRIEND i would watch them closely and tell her what julia was doing with jake. how much more can i take? my heart thumps as i make a feeble attempt at deciding what to do. i have given up COMPLETELY on jacob even though my heart aches only for him, and his girlfriend is incredibly nice and pretty...she deserves him. if julia stole him and was all over him at lunch im not sure i could take that... im not famous for my cool temper, what if it came to blows??? this is so hard... i close my eyes and deny the distinct possibility that julia might steal him, when i open them i decide tomarrow we need to find a new spot... away from julia....
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Alone
As i walk to my locker and gaze around the halls, suddenly it feels like somethings missing. So many happy couples wandering the maze of the school with there fingers intertwined. Many of my own friends cuddling and nuzzling there boys gently. why am i alone? if my friends insist im beautiful, then why didnt he want me? why was i cast aside for someone else? why did toy with me if he had no intrest at all? I dodge the smiling lip lockers as i sprint to the bathroom... i dont want them to see me cry, but its no use tears begin to fill my eyes anyways. i feel my heart die a little bit more as i rub the tears away and walk slowly to class, alone.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Boys Suck
Boys suck... its common knowlege that this is accepted as truth in high school and im finally getting it... they are loud, smelly, disgusting creatures that for some reason have the power to rip out our still beating hearts and crush them with there football helmets... i hear that it never ends... not even after high school or college... if thats true... then the world really is doomed...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
jake
He's the most clueless guy I've ever met. He sits next to me every day at lunch and we talk most nights on facebook, and he doesnt realize how much it tortures me to be so close to the only guy that I have felt something for and not be able to touch him. He doesn't realize that he is the reason i cry at night, that he makes my heart shatter. Hes my best friend, hes the only guy ive ever wanted...and for some reason he really doesnt want me....
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